the way God must feel

The other day, I was in downtown Wichita. I have a small addiction to the thrift store on St. Francis and Douglas, and against better judgement, since I had an hour before I needed to be to my next meeting, I stopped in to the wonderful world of the Value Center. Afterwards, I was walking back to my car, when this woman asked me if I could give her a ride. She had just bought a stereo at the Value Center and was having a hard time, knowing the stereo was too much to carry home but worried the bus driver might not let her on the bus with it. So she took a chance, and asked me to give her a lift home.

Unfortunately, I can't say that I was immediately excited at the opportunity. In fact, I'm ashamed to say that I wondered how far out of the way we'd be going, watched my wallet carefully during the drive, and initially resented the way that her clothes smelled intensely of urine. But, there was no reason I could think of to say no, and part of me was so pleased that she has taken a risk to ask, that I felt positively compelled to say yes. It ended uneventfully - I drove her a distance of about 7 blocks that would have been way too much for her attempt carrying the stereo, and wasn't all that far out of my way - helped her carry everything up to her porch step, and said 'absolutely not' to the dollar she tried to extend my direction that would have been her bus fare. How completely humbling.

I said goodbye to Angelina, and the rest of the afternoon pondered our encounter. I knew there was something in there that was a teachable moment for me, and the more I mulled it over, the more I was convinced that her showing up in my life coincidentally that afternoon was for a purpose. I've been in a period of discernment and decision making for the last few weeks, and that afternoon I came to understand how much God yearns to be involved in our lives. Though she smelled and I took a risk, not knowing her and not knowing exactly where I was going that afternoon, I was truly so happy to have been asked to help. It was gratifying to have played a part in her life that day, and I wouldn't ever have wanted her to go it alone when I was right there, avaialable to help. And so it is with God...I'm sure of it. I know there are parts of me spiritually that smell, and I know He takes a risk in allowing me to be involved in His work, but ultimately, He would never want me to go it alone, and I know He must feel so gratified when I actually let Him play a part in my life and my decision making, since He is so much a part of it all anyway.

I'm thankful for the little glimpse He gave me that afternoon of our own relationship. I'll continue to work on not only letting Him play "a" part, but the main role in this story of life with Him. I pray that He might bless Angelina, that her stereo might play loudly, and that her heart might find it's way to Him. Funny, how even the little things can lead right back into spiritual matters. Everything's spiritual.

a fraction of a glimpse

a year
i said yes to You
though it scares me, and though it's not the answer i wanted to give
so many hours of thought, prayer, asking, beseeching for an answer
and all i can see is them as i look towards the future
You bring pictures of them to my mind as i walk and as i pray
and i miss them
the giggles at my poor attempts at swahili
when they eagerly put on the uniform and walk miles to learn
how they school me at soccer
the way they sing 'mercy is falling' over and over and over again

i feel so torn between these two places
guilty for sitting in starbucks for an hour, paying three dollars for tea
loving j's free internet and the comfy plush chair
happy to be around friends and family for once
but not truly feeling like i belong here

i asked for so long and finally saw that the answer was before me
i could do what felt safe, responsible, and easy
or i could step out in faith...again
relying on others for support
letting go of my timetable and how my life should look at this age
making a decisive effort to trust in what i can't see
remembering that You are already there - and You are all I need

but it is hard, even now that i have said yes
i want to grab it back and choose the safety instead
i yearn to be here, near everyone
it seems like too long
too much could happen...so much i could miss out on

but i've sought Your heart
and heard Your call
the possibilities are endless
they are each worth every second of being away
and i will try, this time
to stop standing in two places at once
to be fully present wherever i am
Yours

it's already hard...

the process of discernment

my dad and i set out last night on a weeklong venture into the northwestern part of the united states. stayed last night in nebraska with steph & casey and were on our way this morning, crossing through nebraska and over into south dakota. today was wonderful, not only because we had time together and were seeing beautiful country, but the long drive afforded us both the opportunity to just be with our own thoughts too.

i am working on discernment again...it seems to be a perpetual process for me, as i am a little bit too good at sticking my own thoughts and desires in front of that which God might be calling me to. i pray that this week will continue to be not only quality time with my dad, but also a time of prayer and meditation towards and with my King, allowing Him to guide and direct my thoughts, my heart, and my future.

a life between africa, texas, and kansas

A week ago we went to Kansas to go to the opening game of the K-State football season and pick up my nephew Ethan Jacob for a week at the farm. He is hilarious and I am so glad I've been able to be a part of the playdoughfest, train-a-thon, and "why"-extravaganza that has been our life these past 8 days. My nightly duty (joy, rather) has been bath time. What's not to like, with rubber duckies, soap paint, and Mr. Bubble foam soap? Monday we return to Kansas to drop him off, and I'll stay in Derby from that point on.

I can't even believe that at the end of this week I'll have been home a month. It doesn't seem possible that I'm this far away from the kiddos at Angel House in Tanzania. They are so deserving of not only foam soap but quality education and clean water. I still have a difficult time, no matter how many years I've been back and forth across the continents, being okay with the differences between life here and life there. And so it just solidifies the fact that I'll always go back, no matter how long or in what capacity - my heart continues to be as much there as it is here. And I'm thankful for at least that little bit of clarity, no matter how small it seems.

home again home again, jiggity jig

Ten days home, and in a very different world. I have driven more here in the last week and a half than I did in eight months in Tanzania. My nails and hair have seen quite a bit more attention and froofroo-ness too. I don't think I will ever get tired of hot water coming out of the shower head and meat on the table most every meal, but I sure do miss the kids.

It was different and new to fly into Dallas, since my parents' house sold and they've relocated to Hamilton, Texas to live on and work the family farm. The wedding weekend was quite fun, and included arranging flowers the day before, getting manicures and pedicures together as bridesmaids, and watching one of my closest friends be exceedingly happy. The day after the wedding, I returned to Texas to report for our annual Galveston girls' beach trip with my mom and sister, followed by a weekend of cow work with the whole family here on the farm. Coming up this week is an exciting array of details, such as getting a driver's license renewed, unpacking my things, throwing a small birthday party for my dad, and attending the Wildcats' opening football game with my favorite nephew Ethan Jacob.

Those of you that know me well can imagine that I'm finding myself somewhere in between the two worlds. The American side of me wants to have a plan already set with dates, times, and checklists to get me there. The African side of me is determined to enjoy this short while that can be used to spend quality time with family and friends. The truth is that I am just not sure yet what the future holds. I know I will be returning to Tanzania, but am still listening intently for God's direction on what capacity I'll return in, and in what timing I'll be going.

I want to say a huge thank you to all of you who have prayed for me, kept in touch with me, and provided for me while I was away. I hope that I'll get the chance to say thank you in person at some point in the next month, but I am so very grateful to each and every one of you. God has been so faithful in continuing to change me and grow me and make Himself known over the past year, and I earnestly hope that the work that you and I have done together has glorified Him and will continue to bring Him glory. The one thing I do understand to be true about my future is that it has much to do with helping those around me to get involved in God's mission in new ways. For some of you, I am praying that that looks like going on a short term mission journey over the next year. For others, it may look like being a prayer pal for a child at our orphanage in Tanzania, or continuing to be a prayer partner and a provider for those that are being sent. I am convinced that what has been accomplished has been a group effort, and I am so proud of what has been done this past year. Please continue to keep in touch with me while I'm home; I will continue to blog every week or two as I try to prayerfully pin down what the next chapter looks like on this African faith journey.

Bless you.